4.15.2008

Death and Taxes

Well, I paid my taxes today. That's right, paid. I worked as a 1099 contractor for most of 2007, so the IRS has to get their money somehow. I will never, ever do that again.
We paid less because I could claim educational credits, thank monsters. But I'm still depressed about it.

I'm nearing the end of the semester, and with 5 weeks left, I'm starting final projects that will take me through May. I'm pretty happy with my ability to handle both school and school over the past months, as I didn't have such a good winter. I have started to doubt how much I can physically work before I start to break, and I think I reached that. I've pulled back a little from work and seem to be hitting deadlines all around a little better than before. Being realistic isn't always by best quality; because of the opportunities I have, I tend to try and hoard everything so that I don't end up losing something. Taking on extra projects at work is like this. I love my job, but I need to finish school sooner than later.

D is doing some career thinking of his own, and is possibly going in to education. For some reason, the thought of this makes me very happy. He's always been troubled with questions on what to do with himself, and even though he's got a great job that pays well and gives us good benefits, the happiness and fulfillment level is pretty low. He needs to be challenged, and he isn't.

I can see him teaching, being challenged, and yet having the stability I think he needs. His parents are both teachers, and I think the characteristics the three of them share really work out in a way that points them in that direction. He's got tendencies of giving too much of himself to others without giving himself what he needs - he wants to help people in any way he can. Of course, it's great to want to help others, but there has to be a legitimate compromise. I feel like his patience, understanding, and intelligence are extremely needed in public schools where kids don't see enough of that from their parents or peers.

I'll go along with whatever makes him happy, but I really hope this is what he finds to work for him. There's a lot of variables in our life right now that make it extremely difficult to even imagine our future. That's a more selfish reason I have. I feel like there has to be goals; this works fine for me as an individual, but it's difficult when I have no control(and do not WANT control) over what he's going to be doing. I worry that choices I make regarding where I take a job and where we live will be too influencial, that he'll go along with it because it makes me happy. I know this has to be a common worry among married couples. It would be easier if he at least knew what he was going for, so that we could weigh the factors independently and together when the time comes to make those choices. I hate thinking that he's not working toward that. It's very true that I'm a bit too quick to try to work out the next steps, but in this case, we've got to start making those decisions.

I've got the disease of always thinking in the back of my head that I will do all of this alone. It's incredibly wonderful to know that I won't, but I've never known anything different, and not having the control is completely jarring. I'm lucky to have someone who has begun to change that.

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