After

It's funny what happens when you snap. It's not just the snapping that causes trauma. It's the flooding that occurs when your body is separated in half, working independently from each other. Things don't work right and things fall apart.

Well, the good thing is that life is long, and I'm resilient. A depression can't ruin me.

For the people who left nice comments, emailed or called - thank you. I appreciate the kindness and believe me, it helps.

Here's the thing about this blog: I've spent my whole life afraid to talk about my emotional and social dysfunction for fear of being judged. I need to talk about it. I will use this space to discuss these things in the way that they affect my life - because I'm not the only one who feels these things and I think our trials and tribulations are important. I'm not afraid of how people will see me or react to me, and I'm not doing this for pity. This is reality, and I need to talk it out, preferably with the discussion from others that happens here in the blogosphere. These things cannot be left inside me, inside us, to rot.

I am a lot of things, good and bad. And I'm trying to be the best person I can. That's how it will always be. I'm not better. Mania results in depression. I think deep down, I knew this was coming, and like our economy, there will be better days. I have a home, a healthy body, and the best, most supportive and wonderful husband that never gives up on me.

And I get love from this little lady:

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Possiblly a Birth Problem

I know I probably should have posted sooner after that last one, considering it was somewhat heavy, but I haven't felt like I had anything to add to what I said.

Maybe I'm just in a flux period, where negative energy has surrounded me? I'm trying to stay optimistic that the force will be relieved. Until that time, though, it seems I'm bound to be in the path of destruction. Not one to shy away from superstition, I'm re-evaluating my relationship to my Mom's maiden name - Murphy. Unfortunately, events as of late make me tend to believe there is an influx in the legitimacy of said law.

On Friday, I was presented with what I'll call the Best, Most Perfect Opportunity of All Time. I will not go in to details on this BMPOAT, mostly because it hurts too much. Suffice to say that it included architecture, color, design, photography, branding, and animals - not to mention a location along the Pacific coast. Sent an email to BMPOAT at 7 a.m. and was called back within 15 minutes to schedule and interview. Saturday, I met the BMPOAT and totally rocked. I was amazing. I brought the A game. We hit it off and things felt very comfortable. However, BMPOAT was concerned about my location, and the drive required (less than HALF of the drive I currently do). I vehemently denied this as a problem, which it is not. Continued to rock, and even met her wife, who is a musician and needs some help with music branding for her next album. BMPOAT and said wife are trying for a baby. Anyway, to make this lenthening story short-er, BMPOAT called an hour ago to tell me she gave the BMPOAT to someone else who lives in the area, but that she loved my personality and thought I was a wonderful person. Let me reinforce that. I lost the BMPOAT because of my location. Some will say this is simply the "right thing but the wrong place" syndrome, I say its either God (if existing) or the sun or whatever controls this earth playing a horrible trick on me, in which BMPOAT is dangled in front of my face, made very possible, and pried from my super-glued grasp. I'm horribly depressed. (Writing about BMPOAT has re-opened the wound, and I may need to cry for awhile. Not kidding. )

My brother (whose last name is Murphy) got in a car accident this weekend and smashed my Mom's car. He isn't injured, and the accident was his fault. He was issued an expensive ticket. This accident comes only one day following my Mom's registration of and insurance granted for my brother's own car, of which he was driving to pick up a battery. This incident will be marked on her insurance instead of his.

She heads to court on Friday and I hope that everyone out there who reads this blog will send good wishes her way. She's battling the father of her youngest 3 children - who wants to discontinue his child support payments because his "career status" has changed. This is the man who moved an hour away from the family and has failed to see his children on any regular basis, who illegally tried to claim the kids for head of household benefits on his 2006 tax returns (causing a year-long audit process), and who owes my Mother over 6,000 in past-due child support benefits. The woman needs a break, and so do my young siblings. Anyway, send her your wishes. She could really use the positive energy. I'm trying to muster up the morsels I have to give to her.

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She

It's one of those days. Possibly one of those weeks, when it seems like everything I know to be true is, in fact, in question. When maybe, just maybe, I've started to grow up, in that way that only time and experience can force.

I'm seeing things clearly, more clearly than in a long time; but less clear all at the same time. What is the right way to do it? To figure out what to be passionate about, to live for, to give everything to in order to succeed. How do you know when its the right time to give up everything else in order to pursue it?

There's a beast, a monster that invades us at the time when we're most vulnerable. That monster has invaded me. I can feel it writing inside my veins, stretching them to their capacity, working my heart to the point of failure. It travels through my spinal cord and in to my brain, through my nerves, and out every action of my body. It pays my bills and pushes me past what I was, where I was and who made me this way.

But, I'm only human. The beast can only feast on my blood for so long. Sooner or later, my heart will die. He will quickly devour my organs, my bones, my skin and leave me to die, moving on to the next victim.

Thankfully, I'm not there yet. But with every day I can feel it getting closer. I'm weaker. I'm a shell.

Nights like tonight, when I've been alone for days and days, I've reconciled these thoughts. It's just me and myself, hiding under a thick sheet with a flashlight, from the Beast. We try to see the world through the eyes of ourself before the weight of this world pinned us down.

It's not a misunderstanding of who I am. It's a cloud; a fog that keeps me from seeing myself.
It's the darkness that lives in my mind, the fear, the uncertainty.

This existence is a lonely one.

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